I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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