The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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