It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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