I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
