remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
