genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
