I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
