Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
