The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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