When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
sarcasm needs its own font
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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