I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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