We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize