Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
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