Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
