White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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