he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
