you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize