The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We need to get me chipped asap
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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