She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
