i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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