so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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