Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
