you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
