I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
