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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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