3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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