Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
