I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
