The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She's the barista slut.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
