Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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