You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
