I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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