Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
