I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
