every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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