well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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