no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Buhtt sex?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
