Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
