I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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