: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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