listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
