I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
