hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
