I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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