do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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