just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Randomize
