Sry I called you an 8
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
