one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
