Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
