My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish I only lived at night.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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