I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
