you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize