a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
