Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
