He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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