Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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