I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
