he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Girls should come with a carfax report
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
