the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
