new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
