i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
