Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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