You just made me feel so damn special
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
